In most convert stories they usually start off with their story to Islam. However my story is different my story I would like to share starts when I was 15 years old. My reason for starting at this point will in sha Allah reveal itself in time. At 15 I was in grade 9 and really just trying to impress the group of friends I was in. I wore what they wore and went along with them. At one point I became depressed. My life throughout elementary was good socially however I had gone though many surgeries one every year, sometime more. At this point in my life I felt very alone even though I had a group of friends I felt alone. I was so depressed I remember staying home one day from school due to it. I left all my friends that day and upon returning to school I met a new friend and new crowd to hang with. It wasn't a good change in my life I started hanging out with the crowd that would take me down a very lonely dark past. Though those years leading up to my graduation I struggled with eating disorder, dieting and truly hating myself. I wore clothing that made me feel what I thought at the time great and beautiful. Eventually at 18 I moved out and due to my lack of loving myself and always hating my body I left my home and family for city life with a man I was never truly happy with, whom I had been with since I was 16 but our relationship was on and off a lot. I eventually ended up pregnant and wanting to become religious. I searched for a church I could fit in, with no avail I was left empty handed. After my first son and my first marriage I was not doing ok. I struggled with baby blues and feeling alone. I hated myself and competed against every other woman out there. One and a half years after my first son I convert to Islam. This is my convert story.
This summer marks my 10 years. I converted in the hottest time of the year, August of 2008. I came to Islam through a Sunni sister who even till today I appreciate due to her teaching me about Allah and mostly about the eye open conversations about my own religion which at that time was Christianity. I came to her due to a religious racism problem in the building and wanted to help her as I was a caretaker to that building. When I approached her she only shook my hand and not the other caretakers hand who was a male due to her religion. I was surprised and I asked. I was intrigued that she as a woman did not shake his hand. I spent many late night eating dinner with her talking about religion. I went to her apartment almost every day. Due to immigration they had to leave the country and it was a sad goodbye. I spent months after reading and reflecting on my religious aspect of life. I remember the day I decided not to be a Christian anymore, it is clear in my mind exactly how I felt and where I was.
I was sitting on my bed in the hot sun. The sun was shining through the window I realised I could no longer be a Christian, I was at that moment scared, worried and felt alone. All I could think about was if I became a Muslim I could potentially lose all my friends and family. I kept jolting from one thought to the next on what it would be like to be a Muslim. I knew I couldn't hide it because Islam told me to wear hijab. Then it became clear that I truly believed in the Islamic faith and that I would just have to do it because I couldn't go on my life any other way, and in some way in my heart I already felt as though I was. So in obidence to the rules I put my hijab and for the first time walked out of the house wearing my it. I remember going onto the city bus and worried how others would take it. To my surprise in 21 years of my life I had never been treated with respect always just an object. The bus driver was a male who I had seen many times before. That day when I got off he said “maam” I was so shocked by the respect he gave and because I was in shock I only remember that word he use“maam”.
Several weeks went by and my parents were coming to visit I was so scared and so new into Islam. I had no idea how to face this and if we had to go out I'd have to get dressed so I wore hijab the whole time. I had it on when they came in and I felt so nervous. We talked for awhile but they were not ok with my decision. They soon left my apartment and I felt relieved that they had known now.
Soon after I had my second child soon thereafter I became a Shia. A Shia brother had recommend "then I was guided" it was another turning point in my life as I had been making my way into the Sunni community and had sister whom I became very close too. I knew the choice was unevitable as I was seeking truth even if that left me alone. I was still very much alone I felt upset at everything. My life seemed daunting due to my living arrangements and un stabble relationship. My marriage was worse than it was before. We had a lot of problems in our marriage and before it. I never felt happy I was depressed and angry. We tried many times. I seperated with him a couple times after my third child and then on the third time of us separating homes we separated for good, ending in a divorce that was after along wait in getting my Islamic divorce. I felt free I felt a weight was taken off me. Even though community was saying not to and encouraging me otherwise I couldn't do it anymore. I won't go into great detail about this part of my life as it isn't the purpose of my writing per say. I'll end this huge transition of my life to say I did what I truly felt was my only option and I would never take it back, they say it is disliked by Allah but I truly believe in my situation it had become wajib. I want to mention here that I don't encourage other to get divorced but my situation it called for it. I encourage those going through rough marriage is to exhaust all means and trying to mend it seeking out counseling I tried to get as much help in order to fix it but with all that and more mine failed. I did feel the shift in feeling ok in the community (converts know what Im talking about) to feel outcasted and more alone in that aspect. However this brings me to the next journey in my life, the roller coaster to happiness.
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