My journey to Allah part 2

Starting a life after divorce is never easy. Not only did I have to be alone, which I had not been single since I was 16 and then was 25 at the time. My religious state was very rocky not in belief but on the practical side of the religion. I had no time since I had become a Muslim to learn much of the religion. I had three kids who needed me more now than ever. Since it had been implemented in my head at that point that I would never marry again due to "no other man would want a divorced woman, especially one with three kids from a previous marriage" I set off try to satisfy my children. I remember talking to a sister on the phone while I was going through my divorce, she had helped me feel like I wasn't alone as she too had gone through a divorce. I remember her telling me "the kids got only me to rely on now and to show them that their mother is strong and can provide for them." So with that thought in my mind I found my way to collage where I learnt how to become an EA in 6 months. Before I jump into my next part of life, which I would like to call the better part of me, I want to say that this sister with her heart in the right place and reflecting back I think she truly felt this was my best option maybe because she had come from another country in which one would have to return back to work and support the family. However in my situation I had support through government at the time and if I could go back it's something I wouldn't do again. My kids needed me more than they needed new clothes and fancy things. My heart broke dropping off my babies at daycare as my youngest was only two.

Anyways before graduating collage I met a man who became my husband Alhumdulilah. He was from America and I remember prior to meeting him I said "I would never marry an America and especially not a convert." Well Allah had a much better plan than I.

We did muta as it was halal and this was the first thing I did sincerely for Allah with no stings attached. I broke the clechè of man asking and I asked him, of course he agreed. A couple months later after talking and getting to know one another he came to Canada to meet me for the first time. I was nervous. I had talked to him but I was 26 at the time and this was very new to me. I remember my mom calling to ask what I was up to (I hadn't fully tolded them I met someone) I told her I was meeting up with someone who I had been with and that he was from America. She let me go then and didn't call until a week after to see what I was up to. This became a little joke on my part because what if the man was a crazy person she would wait one week to see if I was still alive. Anyways it turned out Alhumdulilah and we did nikha through a very nice and honestly humble great Shiekh (I'll leave his name out of here) may Allah bless him in dunya and akheera. We spent days together and soon I graduated collage and we had to move. It was raining that day and it was my last day off collage and my husband was home packing up all our stuff. I rushed home to help because we had to leave that day so to pack all our stuff up in a trailer and leave was a rush. We had left lots of our belongings behind.

Marring my husband was truly a great blessing not only did someone want to marry me and I was lonely but with natural wants to have a companionship it satisfied this need. He was not only satisfying in the way of companionship but he made me flourish through his words at comforting me that I was only his and he would constantly tell me from the start that I had a beautiful soul so let in out as I had nothing to worry about anymore. I watched him lower his eyes and seek knowledge. I started to pray which sadly I had left off prior to being with him. I started learning little by little the fiqh, tawheed and all the other parts to Islam. He taught me a lot and have many reasons to say Alhumdulilah. But a huge part of my life I could truly throw away and that was feeling I was never enough. I felt happy and blessed. He helped to bring that thrist of knowledge out. My husband helped bring out the love for myself I never had.

This brings me to my very important part of this blog and I want to dedicate this piece to all my dear sister out there. This is a very sensitive issue and I ask Allah to help guide my words so that it doesn't offend anyone. I only speak from a woman who has gone through wearing hijab to pretty much removing it and then to comeing back wearing it. I started wearing hijab because of Allah but I started removing it because I did not like what I looked like and had no comfort in feeling secure, so I competed against wearing hijab and trying to look like the women in the West. It was such a horrible state I was in as I never felt good enough. I displayed my body and all the sick men were looking. I just wanted that love I truly was seeking someone to care for me and to be real I was looking for a religious man when I wasn't religious. I was backwards and upside down on how I was acting and presenting myself. I struggled a life time of trying to be beautiful but neglected the main thing, my soul. This piece to my blog honestly needs maybe a blog or two to go in depth with but I just wanted to say here was that I am sure you know your not alone and that seeking Allah's pleasure is much more, and is actually the only important part in your life, not seeking man's pleasure. Every woman wants love and every woman wants to be beautiful this is our natural want, and we are created this way as a woman to want to look beautiful. However like all part of our lives this should be in a proper place and directed a proper way, it needs justice. In sha Allah after I will write in another blog about hijab and why I feel we need to make a movement on promoting and instilling in our lives how and why we should have proper hijab.

Now to continue to the last piece of my life is that my husband has wanted to go to howza since I could remember and due to him coming here this would turn out not to be possible, however I knew he was really wanting this so I found a howza online that was free (bonus to us as we had no money to pay for one) he started there while I was pregnant with my fourth and his first. I met a sister online in this time who has become a close friend to me and had been my only friend (besides my husband) which I hadn't had for so long. We still talk till this day and she has been another blessing from Allah in sha Allah I pray she succeeds in dunya and akheera.
We had beautiful baby boy and soon thereafter I was pregnant with my last. I watched my husband take his journey in seeking knowledge but I hadn't had the thirst like he had. I was content for along time in just following the basic rules until one day I had the urge to join al Mustafa in their ethics MA. I started up and in the second semester a Shiekh told me it would be very highly advisable to go a do lower level howza first then return... I was sad to be honest but I was struggling in understand a lot. My husband had found a school online free that had a diploma level which will help to continue into howza more tangible, so we joined together and now I am currently in my second to last semester with Quran and Etrat Open University. By next semester I'll have completed 80 credits and this school has taught me so much! I have also got the humble opportunity to now teach there. I can never thank them enough may Allah swt shower them all with many blessing and Alhumdulilah along the way I have gained a very close friend who's my sister and my teacher Allah bless her in dunya and akheera. As well as I am studing at Kawther Learning Circle which is done by Shiekh Shomali (Allah grant him a long life). I have Alhumdulilah learned so much through his lectures online.
So to end this blog I would like to write in point form all the minority statistic I am, just for fun:
*white convert
*divorced (which I don't endorse and highly emphasize to seek all means possible to help your marriage however there is times it becomes wajib please if your in a situation where your thinking divorce seek out a Sheikh for help)
*re married
*went from hijab to pretty much no hijab, to finding true hijab!
*7 people to my family (that's got to be a minority statistic out there)
*white online Islamic student

In sha Allah I hope this helps other sister who not only are converts to Islam but I pray it helps other sister and maybe even helps the brothers in some way. May Allah bless you all and keep you safe and in sha Allah He helps all of you find the true happiness in life which is finding Allah! Ameen.