My journey to Allah part 2

Starting a life after divorce is never easy. Not only did I have to be alone, which I had not been single since I was 16 and then was 25 at the time. My religious state was very rocky not in belief but on the practical side of the religion. I had no time since I had become a Muslim to learn much of the religion. I had three kids who needed me more now than ever. Since it had been implemented in my head at that point that I would never marry again due to "no other man would want a divorced woman, especially one with three kids from a previous marriage" I set off try to satisfy my children. I remember talking to a sister on the phone while I was going through my divorce, she had helped me feel like I wasn't alone as she too had gone through a divorce. I remember her telling me "the kids got only me to rely on now and to show them that their mother is strong and can provide for them." So with that thought in my mind I found my way to collage where I learnt how to become an EA in 6 months. Before I jump into my next part of life, which I would like to call the better part of me, I want to say that this sister with her heart in the right place and reflecting back I think she truly felt this was my best option maybe because she had come from another country in which one would have to return back to work and support the family. However in my situation I had support through government at the time and if I could go back it's something I wouldn't do again. My kids needed me more than they needed new clothes and fancy things. My heart broke dropping off my babies at daycare as my youngest was only two.

Anyways before graduating collage I met a man who became my husband Alhumdulilah. He was from America and I remember prior to meeting him I said "I would never marry an America and especially not a convert." Well Allah had a much better plan than I.

We did muta as it was halal and this was the first thing I did sincerely for Allah with no stings attached. I broke the clechè of man asking and I asked him, of course he agreed. A couple months later after talking and getting to know one another he came to Canada to meet me for the first time. I was nervous. I had talked to him but I was 26 at the time and this was very new to me. I remember my mom calling to ask what I was up to (I hadn't fully tolded them I met someone) I told her I was meeting up with someone who I had been with and that he was from America. She let me go then and didn't call until a week after to see what I was up to. This became a little joke on my part because what if the man was a crazy person she would wait one week to see if I was still alive. Anyways it turned out Alhumdulilah and we did nikha through a very nice and honestly humble great Shiekh (I'll leave his name out of here) may Allah bless him in dunya and akheera. We spent days together and soon I graduated collage and we had to move. It was raining that day and it was my last day off collage and my husband was home packing up all our stuff. I rushed home to help because we had to leave that day so to pack all our stuff up in a trailer and leave was a rush. We had left lots of our belongings behind.

Marring my husband was truly a great blessing not only did someone want to marry me and I was lonely but with natural wants to have a companionship it satisfied this need. He was not only satisfying in the way of companionship but he made me flourish through his words at comforting me that I was only his and he would constantly tell me from the start that I had a beautiful soul so let in out as I had nothing to worry about anymore. I watched him lower his eyes and seek knowledge. I started to pray which sadly I had left off prior to being with him. I started learning little by little the fiqh, tawheed and all the other parts to Islam. He taught me a lot and have many reasons to say Alhumdulilah. But a huge part of my life I could truly throw away and that was feeling I was never enough. I felt happy and blessed. He helped to bring that thrist of knowledge out. My husband helped bring out the love for myself I never had.

This brings me to my very important part of this blog and I want to dedicate this piece to all my dear sister out there. This is a very sensitive issue and I ask Allah to help guide my words so that it doesn't offend anyone. I only speak from a woman who has gone through wearing hijab to pretty much removing it and then to comeing back wearing it. I started wearing hijab because of Allah but I started removing it because I did not like what I looked like and had no comfort in feeling secure, so I competed against wearing hijab and trying to look like the women in the West. It was such a horrible state I was in as I never felt good enough. I displayed my body and all the sick men were looking. I just wanted that love I truly was seeking someone to care for me and to be real I was looking for a religious man when I wasn't religious. I was backwards and upside down on how I was acting and presenting myself. I struggled a life time of trying to be beautiful but neglected the main thing, my soul. This piece to my blog honestly needs maybe a blog or two to go in depth with but I just wanted to say here was that I am sure you know your not alone and that seeking Allah's pleasure is much more, and is actually the only important part in your life, not seeking man's pleasure. Every woman wants love and every woman wants to be beautiful this is our natural want, and we are created this way as a woman to want to look beautiful. However like all part of our lives this should be in a proper place and directed a proper way, it needs justice. In sha Allah after I will write in another blog about hijab and why I feel we need to make a movement on promoting and instilling in our lives how and why we should have proper hijab.

Now to continue to the last piece of my life is that my husband has wanted to go to howza since I could remember and due to him coming here this would turn out not to be possible, however I knew he was really wanting this so I found a howza online that was free (bonus to us as we had no money to pay for one) he started there while I was pregnant with my fourth and his first. I met a sister online in this time who has become a close friend to me and had been my only friend (besides my husband) which I hadn't had for so long. We still talk till this day and she has been another blessing from Allah in sha Allah I pray she succeeds in dunya and akheera.
We had beautiful baby boy and soon thereafter I was pregnant with my last. I watched my husband take his journey in seeking knowledge but I hadn't had the thirst like he had. I was content for along time in just following the basic rules until one day I had the urge to join al Mustafa in their ethics MA. I started up and in the second semester a Shiekh told me it would be very highly advisable to go a do lower level howza first then return... I was sad to be honest but I was struggling in understand a lot. My husband had found a school online free that had a diploma level which will help to continue into howza more tangible, so we joined together and now I am currently in my second to last semester with Quran and Etrat Open University. By next semester I'll have completed 80 credits and this school has taught me so much! I have also got the humble opportunity to now teach there. I can never thank them enough may Allah swt shower them all with many blessing and Alhumdulilah along the way I have gained a very close friend who's my sister and my teacher Allah bless her in dunya and akheera. As well as I am studing at Kawther Learning Circle which is done by Shiekh Shomali (Allah grant him a long life). I have Alhumdulilah learned so much through his lectures online.
So to end this blog I would like to write in point form all the minority statistic I am, just for fun:
*white convert
*divorced (which I don't endorse and highly emphasize to seek all means possible to help your marriage however there is times it becomes wajib please if your in a situation where your thinking divorce seek out a Sheikh for help)
*re married
*went from hijab to pretty much no hijab, to finding true hijab!
*7 people to my family (that's got to be a minority statistic out there)
*white online Islamic student

In sha Allah I hope this helps other sister who not only are converts to Islam but I pray it helps other sister and maybe even helps the brothers in some way. May Allah bless you all and keep you safe and in sha Allah He helps all of you find the true happiness in life which is finding Allah! Ameen.

My journey to Allah part 1

In most convert stories they usually start off with their story to Islam. However my story is different my story I would like to share starts when I was 15 years old. My reason for starting at this point will in sha Allah reveal itself in time. At 15 I was in grade 9 and really just trying to impress the group of friends I was in. I wore what they wore and went along with them. At one point I became depressed. My life throughout elementary was good socially however I had gone though many surgeries one every year, sometime more.  At this point in my life I felt very alone even though I had a group of friends I felt alone. I was so depressed I remember staying home one day from school due to it. I left all my friends that day and upon returning to school I met a new friend and new crowd to hang with. It wasn't a good change in my life I started hanging out with the crowd that would take me down a very lonely dark past. Though those years leading up to my graduation I struggled with eating disorder, dieting and truly hating myself. I wore clothing that made me feel what I thought at the time great and beautiful.  Eventually at 18 I moved out and due to my lack of loving myself and always hating my body I left my home and family for city life with a man I was never truly happy with, whom I had been with since I was 16 but our relationship was on and off a lot. I eventually ended up pregnant and wanting to become religious. I searched for a church I could fit in, with no avail I was left empty handed. After my first son and my first marriage I was not doing ok. I struggled with baby blues and feeling alone. I hated myself and competed against every other woman out there.  One and a half years after my first son I convert to Islam. This is my convert story.

This summer marks my 10 years. I converted in the hottest time of the year, August of 2008. I came to Islam through a Sunni sister who even till today I appreciate due to her teaching me about Allah and mostly about the eye open conversations about my own religion which at that time was Christianity. I came to her due to a religious racism problem in the building and wanted to help her as I was a caretaker to that building. When I approached her she only shook my hand and not the other caretakers hand who was a male due to her religion. I was surprised and I asked. I was intrigued that she as a woman did not shake his hand. I spent many late night eating dinner with her talking about religion. I went to her apartment almost every day. Due to immigration they had to leave the country and it was a sad goodbye. I spent months after reading and reflecting on my religious aspect of life. I remember the day I decided not to be a Christian anymore, it is clear in my mind exactly how I felt and where I was.

I was sitting on my bed in the hot sun. The sun was shining through the window I realised I could no longer be a Christian, I was at that moment scared, worried and felt alone. All I could think about was if I became a Muslim I could potentially lose all my friends and family. I kept jolting from one thought to the next on what it would be like to be a Muslim. I knew I couldn't hide it because Islam told me to wear hijab. Then it became clear that I truly believed in the Islamic faith and that I would just have to do it because I couldn't go on my life any other way, and in some way in my heart I already felt as though I was. So in obidence to the rules I put my hijab and for the first time walked out of the house wearing my it. I remember going onto the city bus and worried how others would take it. To my surprise in 21 years of my life I had never been treated with respect always just an object. The bus driver was a male who I had seen many times before. That day when I got off he said “maam” I was so shocked by the respect he gave and because I was in shock I only remember that word he use“maam”.

Several weeks went by and my parents were coming to visit I was so scared and so new into Islam. I had no idea how to face this and if we had to go out I'd have to get dressed so I wore hijab the whole time. I had it on when they came in and I felt so nervous. We talked for awhile but they were not ok with my decision. They soon left my apartment and I felt relieved that they had known now.

Soon after I had my second child soon thereafter I became a Shia. A Shia brother had recommend "then I was guided" it was another turning point in my life as I had been making my way into the Sunni community and had sister whom I became very close too. I knew the choice was unevitable as I was seeking truth even if that left me alone. I was still very much alone I felt upset at everything. My life seemed daunting due to my living arrangements and un stabble relationship. My marriage was worse than it was before. We had a lot of problems in our marriage and before it. I never felt happy I was depressed and angry. We tried many times. I seperated with him a couple times after my third child and then on the third time of us separating homes we separated for good, ending in a divorce that was after along wait in getting my Islamic divorce. I felt free I felt a weight was taken off me. Even though community was saying not to and encouraging me otherwise I couldn't do it anymore. I won't go into great detail about this part of my life as it isn't the purpose of my writing per say. I'll end this huge transition of my life to say I did what I truly felt was my only option and I would never take it back, they say it is disliked by Allah but I truly believe in my situation it had become wajib. I want to mention here that I don't encourage other to get divorced but my situation it called for it. I encourage those going through rough marriage is to exhaust all means and trying to mend it seeking out counseling I tried to get as much help in order to fix it but with all that and more mine failed. I did feel the shift in feeling ok in the community (converts know what Im talking about) to feel outcasted and more alone in that aspect. However this brings me to the next journey in my life, the roller coaster to happiness.