My Childhood Life of Seclusion

Salaam alaykom dear readers!
I thought I'd share my life in seclusion as a child. I grew up until I was 18 in a very rural area 3 hours from a city. Our population was maybe somewhere around 100 and majority of that was elders. I grew up as a Christian but we where not very strict. I lived on a farm in which my parents raised cattle, however I remember milking cows and having chickens roaming around. We ate a lot of what we raised on the farm or grew in the garden, not taking many trips into the city.
It wasn't until reflecting on my child hood I realised I had this fake image that everyone was Christian. I really never thought about any other religion and in fact I never really met anyone that wasn't  a Christian. I think the first person I knew that wasn't a Christian was a Muslim man who I use to work for when I was 18 and had moved to the city. Even then I really just thought he was an immigrant and not focused on a religious difference, however I wonder if this was because he acted just like and men from the west... Anyways I remember I was in grade 8 and was confirmed as a Lutheran but just prior to confirmation  I approached my pastor and privately asked her if I could be confirmed if I didn't really believe in the  crucifixion because I wasn't able to wrap my mind around God putting His only son to die for us... God is almighty and I wasn't able to believe He had to do such a thing to forgive us all!
I wonder if this played a huge role in me thinking I could do or be anything I wanted and I was still a Christian and would be saved. Maybe this fake idea was what took me down a bad path that soon there followed. It wasn't long after this that I went into grade 9 and soon there after my life changed dramatically.
I will save that part of my life for another time.

Allah is One

بسم الله الرحمن الرحیم

In this blog I will discuss Allah's uniqueness in His Oneness. I hope to clear up any confusion about the praise “Allah is One” and in doing so I also hope to prove intellectually Allah's Divine Unity. InshaAllah with this essay I pray it clears up any misconception that is attached to the word “One” when we speak about God's Oneness.

First I would like to point out that we in Shia Islam believe Allah is not One in numbers but he is One in the meaning there is no other like Him. We are as humans a lower level of being made out of matter and therefore we are not able to perceive Him with our eyes since eyes are matter material and Allah is not made out of matter. It is kind of like saying we can not see reasoning or intellect but we know humans have this ability. Allah is like that intellect we can not see but know its there.  I would like to show Quran and hadith on this subject.

"Some faces on that day (i.e., the Day of

Judgment) will be radiant, looking towards their Lord. (75:22-23)

The word "Nadhira" that is used in the above verse does not necessarily imply seeing with one's eyes. Imams (AS) have have said other verses of Quran to support the definition of the word "Nadhira" in this verse as similar to the meaning of "Muntadhira", which means looking forward to. On the commentary of this verse, Imam Ali (AS) said The verse means looking forward to what Allah, the Mighty and the Majestic, has promised them. And the word 'Nadhira' sometimes means 'expecting/waiting/looking forward' ('al-Muntadhira'). Haven't you heard the saying of Allah: '(But I am going to send him a present) and I am looking forward (Nadhira) to what (answer) the ambassadors will return (27:35).' This means I am waiting (al-Muntadhira) for what the ambassadors will return. As for the verse: 'For indeed he saw him at a second descent. Near the Lote-tree of the uttermost boundary (53:13-14)', it means when Muhammad (S.A.W.) was near the Lote-tree of the uttermost boundary which none of His creations has passed it (saw Gabriel). It is His saying in the followed verses: '(His) sight never swerved, nor did it go wrong! For truly did he see one of the great signs of his Lord! (53:17-18)', he saw Gabriel in his shape twice. Verily Gabriel is a great creature and is from amongst the spiritual entities whose creation and shapes are not fully understood except by the Lord of the Universe

- al-Ihtijaj, v1, p243

- Bihar al-Anwar, v90/93, p101, Hadith #1

Imam al-Sadiq (AS) said: "Avoid pondering over (the Essence of) Allah, because pondering over (the Essence of) Allah would only increase deviation/error. Verily Allah cannot be reached by the sight (of minds) and cannot be described by      proportion

- Kitab al-Tawhid, p457, Hadith #14

- Wasa'il al-Shia, v16, p197, Hadith #21334

- Bihar al-Anwar, v3, p259, Hadith #4

"Eyes do not comprehend him and he comprehends the eyes and he is the Kind, the Knowing" (An'aam(6) / 103)

One may ask then is there a way we can know Allah truly exist since we can not see Him. The answer is yes. A beautiful hadith from Imam Ali AS tells us so when he AS said “I never worship somebody whom I have not seen visions do not capture him using sights of the eyes, but, hearts capture him by the essence of the belief." (Nahj-ul-balaghah, sermon 179)

I think in summing up the explanation of Allah's oneness the perfect quote from Shaykh Saduq who wrote in ‘A Shi’ite Creed’ the English translation of I’teqadat-Al-Imamiah pages 27-28:
“Know that our belief concerning Tawheed is that Allah, exalted is He, is one (Wahid) and Absolutely unique (ahad). There is naught like unto Him; He is prior (qadim, Ancient). He never was, and never will be, but the Hearing (Sami) and the Seeing One (Basir); the Omniscient (‘alim); the Wise (Hakim); the Living (Hayy); the Everlasting (Qayum); the Mighty (aziz); the Holy (Quddus); the Knowing One (‘Alim); The Powerful (Qadir); the Self Sufficient (Ghani). He cannot be described by his essence (jawhar); His body (jism); His Form (Sura), or by his Accidental Qualities (Arad)…

He is a Thing (Shay) but not like other things. He is unique (Ahad), Eternal Refuge (Samad)”, He begets not, lest He may be inherited; not is He begotten, lest He may be associated (with others). There is no one like unto Him; He has no equal (nidd) or opponent (didd), compeer (shibh) or consort (sahibah). Nothing can be compared with Him (mithl); He has no rival (nazir), no partner (sharik). “Human eyes cannot behold Him”. The thoughts of men cannot compass Him; while He is aware of them. “Slumber overtakes Him not, nor sleep” [2:225]; and He is the Gracious (latif) and the Knowing One (khabir), the Creator (khaliq) of all things. There is no deity (ilah) other than Him; to Him (alone) belongs (the power) of Creation (khalq) and authority (amr). Blessed (tabarraka) is Allah, the Lord if the World's. And he who believes in tasbih (imminence) is a polytheist (mushrik). And he who attributes to the Imams (beliefs) other than those that have been stated concerning the Unity of Allah (tawhid) is a liar”.

With that I would like to conclude that Allah is One to whom all things turn too. He is unique and His religion is unique including  uniqueness of the message (of all messengers), uniqueness of Qiblah and our divine book the Holy Quran, uniqueness of all Islamic laws (fiqh) for all human beings, uniqueness of the Muslim nation, and finally uniqueness of the Day of Judgment (Resurrection Day).

I pray this blog has cleared up any misconceptions or any misunderstandings about Allah's uniqueness.
May Allah grant us with the knowledge to understand Him and may Allah guide us to Him. Ameen.

Hope and Fear

Bismillah hir Rahman nir Raheem

In Salat we recite “Al Rahman” which mean the merciful to all things Allah has created and “Al Rahim” which means to a specific group a special mercy for them (the believers). When we say this we are remembering that Allah is very merciful and can forgive us of our sins, therefore we have hope that He will forgive us. Though we have this hope we also have a fear which is clear when we recite “Malik yaum-id-din” in our Salat. Even though He may forgive us, we have no guarantee He will. We should always remember the Day of Judgement, if we do this we would be to afraid to commit a sin. Saying this everyday in our Salat “Malik yaum-id-din” reminds us that His Sovereignty and Domination that day over everything and everyone. Allah’s Mastership on this day is not similar to our imaginary ownership of that which belongs to us from the things of this world (the imaginary ones from this world will disappear that day)
Some may bring up the fact that Shias have intercession on this day so why have fear? There is a hadith Umar Ibn Yazid says that, “I asked Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.), “I have heard you saying that all our Shia’s will enter Heaven however sinful they may be?” Imam replied, “By Allah I had truly said, they shall all belong to Heaven.” Then I asked, “May my life be sacrificed upon you, even if their sins are great and in large number?” Imam said, “All of you (Shias) shall enter Paradise by the intercession of the Holy Prophet (S) or his successors on the Day of Judgement. But, by Allah I fear for you the Barzakh.” I asked,”What is Barzakh?” He replied, “Barzakh is the grave. Its duration commences from the time of death until the Day of Judgement.” (al-Kāfi). With these types of hadith and with intercession we should still not think we are clear and have no worries for the Judgement Day. First we need to realize that intercession is only for those you are not heedless in their prayers. Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said: “Our intercession is not for those who consider the Prayers unimportant.” or another hadith in this regards “Bab-ul-Hawaij Imam Musa al-Kadhim (a.s.) says: “Our shias are only those who follow us (in every respect), walk in our footsteps and imitate our actions.” (Bihār al-Anwār)” Even if there is intercession on us and we commit so many sins that barzakh doesn’t clean us from those sins we still can enter the fire of Hell for a long period of time. Holy Prophet (S) said, “Verily, a person shall be kept imprisoned in Hell for a hundred years for each of the sins (that he commits).” (al-Kāfi)
In conclusion we should always stay hopeful for His Mercy and yet be fearful so that we repent for our disobedience to Him. We must not be hopeless in His forgiveness and on the same hand fear Him so that our fear will drive us away from committing sins. With that I will end with one more hadith Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) told Mufazzal bin Umar, “If you wish to see one of our devotees then look for that person who abstains from sins and fears more His Creator and remains hopeful of His reward. Whenever you find such an individual then take it for granted that he is one of my devotees.”

Are We Ready?

As the days approach to our Imams birthday we start to sit and reflect on the question are we ready yet? I start to wonder this question myself. If the Imam came and I needed to sacrifice my life I have built here in this world could I let it all go... could I give up the kids I've raised or the house I adorned.. at first I wanted to say Yes! Yes I am with the imam and I'd give my life for him. But after some reflection I start to notice my own self state, if I would give my life for him then am I doing it now? Many of us struggle with the right decision and making right choices. We struggle with our own selves on being obedient toward Allah and have awareness of Him. Maybe it is we don't give our spouses their rights, or not having aklaq with others, not kind to our parents, don't wear proper hijab, or maybe we haven't accepted Allah allowing certain things for others to have and us not to have. If we sit and wonder why do we do these things I am sure putting all our pride aside we can come to conclusion that we have not submitted to Allah in all things. If we can't submit to Him how can we dare say we will be with our Imam! We need to start removing these vices from our souls and purifying it, gain one by one the virtue. We should reflect at night before closing our eyes to sleep and really see our own state and see how obident we are to Allah and if we are really ready yet?

Borhani Nezam: Reflection of Gender Role

It has been awhile since my last post. Life and a sense that what I wanted to write about would not be ready to be heard and properly understood by my readers so I have refrained for now on writing upon it.

Today however I want to share with all upon a reflection that I think all of us including myself should think about more. After reading a unit on my theology by my professor I started to wonder about how all animals in this world are moving in a perfect manner. Have you ever wondered about the male and the female role in their specific groups? This was my reflection, my reflection was mainly focused on the gender roles in different groups of animals. It was of course not confinded to this but was my focus however I allowed any thoughts in and reflected on it.

Notice the female lion never takes over and dominates the pack or even tries to lead the pack with the male... or what about the babies within the groups of different animals, take for example the birds. The birds as little as can be rely on their mothers to nourish them and help them survive until they take flight and then they stay by her side learning from her. How amazing is it that Allah swt has given all animals a specific role in each of their animal communities. What about us then, has Allah swt given us a role in our communities and in our lives? The answer can be truly reflected upon. If Allah swt created us then we must say He has most certainly created each and everyone of us with a role in our societies and within our homes!

Questions start to bloom.... Have we maintained the role that is specified for us? How do we know where we stand in society especially us women? Is there anything in our religion that gives us the proper direction in order to fufil this role? Has these roles been upheld? What happens if we don't maintain these roles?

Imam Ali (a.s.) quotes the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) as saying:
"Allah curses those men who make themselves resemble women or those women who make themselves resemble men."
What does this mean does it only mean the way we dress or is it more than that is it in our roles in society and in the homes! Have we been lied to by the world around us? I've grown up all my life in Canada and have been taught that I am not any different than a man and I can do anything just as a man can. Maybe this type of thought became very big with the feminist movement where woman where made to believe we need to be exactly like the man in ever way and that we needed to show an opposition to how woman where treated but going from one extreme which was woman being treated unjustly even Quran speaks about this ignorant times. "And when the girl [who was] buried alive is asked" "For what sin she was killed" (Holy Quran 81:8-9)
But maybe the society has taken the one extreme and went to another extreme but saying and embedding western equality. What is equality? Have they understood it's truth...
Here let's look and reflection on Quran...

"And whoever does righteous deeds, whether male or female, and he/she is a believer - they will enter the Garden, and not the least injustice will be done to them." (Holy Qur’an, 4:124).

"Whoever does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, We shall certainly make him live a good life, and We shall certainly give them their reward for the best of what they did."(Holy Qur’an, 16:97).

"...I will not suffer the work of any worker among you to be lost whether male or female, the one of you being from the other..."(Holy Qur’an, 3:195) 

These ayats so beautiful shows us the equality that was meant and this was based on a spiritual level. But how do we gain this spiritual level, well aqil says listening and obeying Allah swt in all commands! Even if that command goes against what we think, maybe what we think is not right and Allah swt surely is the Knower of all things! We should love Allah swt so much that we listen to Him and that not even our soul would ever go against His commands!

Woman's roles and rights that should be upheld...
Holy Qur'an on hijab:
"O Prophet! Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers that they should cast their outer garments over them (when abroad); this is more proper, that they should be known (recognized as such) and not molested. And Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful." (Holy Qur’an, 33:59).

How many of us have been washed away in the backwards thought that removing hijab means a sense of freedom as portrayed to us! I say backwards because truly removing our hijab has given the freedom for men to look at us as an object and what type of freedom is disobeying Allah swt? Our hijab is not just a symbol of freedom from oppression but a sign to the world we won't listen to the extreme view and will obey our Lord!
What about woman's role in the home...

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them. And he has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.” [The Holy Qur’an, al-Rum 3:21]

“It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate in order that he might dwell with her (in love).” [The Holy Qur’an, al-A'raf 7:189]

What beautiful words that in each the male and female they will find love with each other and they both fulfill their roles will bring upon a harmony in the home and outside! Just like the animals, in the beginning of this blog I said no animal tried to take a different role they where not meant to take. This created them to have a harmony in their groups and in the world as a whole! Allah swt has created us for a specific role and fulfilling that role brings upon the most beautiful thing. We should never feel we are less than a man due to the roles we have been designed for! If we do these duties and obey Allah swt we will be given a great reward for all the hardships or struggles we face.
"Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease." (Holy Quran surah 94:6)

My journey to Allah part 2

Starting a life after divorce is never easy. Not only did I have to be alone, which I had not been single since I was 16 and then was 25 at the time. My religious state was very rocky not in belief but on the practical side of the religion. I had no time since I had become a Muslim to learn much of the religion. I had three kids who needed me more now than ever. Since it had been implemented in my head at that point that I would never marry again due to "no other man would want a divorced woman, especially one with three kids from a previous marriage" I set off try to satisfy my children. I remember talking to a sister on the phone while I was going through my divorce, she had helped me feel like I wasn't alone as she too had gone through a divorce. I remember her telling me "the kids got only me to rely on now and to show them that their mother is strong and can provide for them." So with that thought in my mind I found my way to collage where I learnt how to become an EA in 6 months. Before I jump into my next part of life, which I would like to call the better part of me, I want to say that this sister with her heart in the right place and reflecting back I think she truly felt this was my best option maybe because she had come from another country in which one would have to return back to work and support the family. However in my situation I had support through government at the time and if I could go back it's something I wouldn't do again. My kids needed me more than they needed new clothes and fancy things. My heart broke dropping off my babies at daycare as my youngest was only two.

Anyways before graduating collage I met a man who became my husband Alhumdulilah. He was from America and I remember prior to meeting him I said "I would never marry an America and especially not a convert." Well Allah had a much better plan than I.

We did muta as it was halal and this was the first thing I did sincerely for Allah with no stings attached. I broke the clechè of man asking and I asked him, of course he agreed. A couple months later after talking and getting to know one another he came to Canada to meet me for the first time. I was nervous. I had talked to him but I was 26 at the time and this was very new to me. I remember my mom calling to ask what I was up to (I hadn't fully tolded them I met someone) I told her I was meeting up with someone who I had been with and that he was from America. She let me go then and didn't call until a week after to see what I was up to. This became a little joke on my part because what if the man was a crazy person she would wait one week to see if I was still alive. Anyways it turned out Alhumdulilah and we did nikha through a very nice and honestly humble great Shiekh (I'll leave his name out of here) may Allah bless him in dunya and akheera. We spent days together and soon I graduated collage and we had to move. It was raining that day and it was my last day off collage and my husband was home packing up all our stuff. I rushed home to help because we had to leave that day so to pack all our stuff up in a trailer and leave was a rush. We had left lots of our belongings behind.

Marring my husband was truly a great blessing not only did someone want to marry me and I was lonely but with natural wants to have a companionship it satisfied this need. He was not only satisfying in the way of companionship but he made me flourish through his words at comforting me that I was only his and he would constantly tell me from the start that I had a beautiful soul so let in out as I had nothing to worry about anymore. I watched him lower his eyes and seek knowledge. I started to pray which sadly I had left off prior to being with him. I started learning little by little the fiqh, tawheed and all the other parts to Islam. He taught me a lot and have many reasons to say Alhumdulilah. But a huge part of my life I could truly throw away and that was feeling I was never enough. I felt happy and blessed. He helped to bring that thrist of knowledge out. My husband helped bring out the love for myself I never had.

This brings me to my very important part of this blog and I want to dedicate this piece to all my dear sister out there. This is a very sensitive issue and I ask Allah to help guide my words so that it doesn't offend anyone. I only speak from a woman who has gone through wearing hijab to pretty much removing it and then to comeing back wearing it. I started wearing hijab because of Allah but I started removing it because I did not like what I looked like and had no comfort in feeling secure, so I competed against wearing hijab and trying to look like the women in the West. It was such a horrible state I was in as I never felt good enough. I displayed my body and all the sick men were looking. I just wanted that love I truly was seeking someone to care for me and to be real I was looking for a religious man when I wasn't religious. I was backwards and upside down on how I was acting and presenting myself. I struggled a life time of trying to be beautiful but neglected the main thing, my soul. This piece to my blog honestly needs maybe a blog or two to go in depth with but I just wanted to say here was that I am sure you know your not alone and that seeking Allah's pleasure is much more, and is actually the only important part in your life, not seeking man's pleasure. Every woman wants love and every woman wants to be beautiful this is our natural want, and we are created this way as a woman to want to look beautiful. However like all part of our lives this should be in a proper place and directed a proper way, it needs justice. In sha Allah after I will write in another blog about hijab and why I feel we need to make a movement on promoting and instilling in our lives how and why we should have proper hijab.

Now to continue to the last piece of my life is that my husband has wanted to go to howza since I could remember and due to him coming here this would turn out not to be possible, however I knew he was really wanting this so I found a howza online that was free (bonus to us as we had no money to pay for one) he started there while I was pregnant with my fourth and his first. I met a sister online in this time who has become a close friend to me and had been my only friend (besides my husband) which I hadn't had for so long. We still talk till this day and she has been another blessing from Allah in sha Allah I pray she succeeds in dunya and akheera.
We had beautiful baby boy and soon thereafter I was pregnant with my last. I watched my husband take his journey in seeking knowledge but I hadn't had the thirst like he had. I was content for along time in just following the basic rules until one day I had the urge to join al Mustafa in their ethics MA. I started up and in the second semester a Shiekh told me it would be very highly advisable to go a do lower level howza first then return... I was sad to be honest but I was struggling in understand a lot. My husband had found a school online free that had a diploma level which will help to continue into howza more tangible, so we joined together and now I am currently in my second to last semester with Quran and Etrat Open University. By next semester I'll have completed 80 credits and this school has taught me so much! I have also got the humble opportunity to now teach there. I can never thank them enough may Allah swt shower them all with many blessing and Alhumdulilah along the way I have gained a very close friend who's my sister and my teacher Allah bless her in dunya and akheera. As well as I am studing at Kawther Learning Circle which is done by Shiekh Shomali (Allah grant him a long life). I have Alhumdulilah learned so much through his lectures online.
So to end this blog I would like to write in point form all the minority statistic I am, just for fun:
*white convert
*divorced (which I don't endorse and highly emphasize to seek all means possible to help your marriage however there is times it becomes wajib please if your in a situation where your thinking divorce seek out a Sheikh for help)
*re married
*went from hijab to pretty much no hijab, to finding true hijab!
*7 people to my family (that's got to be a minority statistic out there)
*white online Islamic student

In sha Allah I hope this helps other sister who not only are converts to Islam but I pray it helps other sister and maybe even helps the brothers in some way. May Allah bless you all and keep you safe and in sha Allah He helps all of you find the true happiness in life which is finding Allah! Ameen.

My journey to Allah part 1

In most convert stories they usually start off with their story to Islam. However my story is different my story I would like to share starts when I was 15 years old. My reason for starting at this point will in sha Allah reveal itself in time. At 15 I was in grade 9 and really just trying to impress the group of friends I was in. I wore what they wore and went along with them. At one point I became depressed. My life throughout elementary was good socially however I had gone though many surgeries one every year, sometime more.  At this point in my life I felt very alone even though I had a group of friends I felt alone. I was so depressed I remember staying home one day from school due to it. I left all my friends that day and upon returning to school I met a new friend and new crowd to hang with. It wasn't a good change in my life I started hanging out with the crowd that would take me down a very lonely dark past. Though those years leading up to my graduation I struggled with eating disorder, dieting and truly hating myself. I wore clothing that made me feel what I thought at the time great and beautiful.  Eventually at 18 I moved out and due to my lack of loving myself and always hating my body I left my home and family for city life with a man I was never truly happy with, whom I had been with since I was 16 but our relationship was on and off a lot. I eventually ended up pregnant and wanting to become religious. I searched for a church I could fit in, with no avail I was left empty handed. After my first son and my first marriage I was not doing ok. I struggled with baby blues and feeling alone. I hated myself and competed against every other woman out there.  One and a half years after my first son I convert to Islam. This is my convert story.

This summer marks my 10 years. I converted in the hottest time of the year, August of 2008. I came to Islam through a Sunni sister who even till today I appreciate due to her teaching me about Allah and mostly about the eye open conversations about my own religion which at that time was Christianity. I came to her due to a religious racism problem in the building and wanted to help her as I was a caretaker to that building. When I approached her she only shook my hand and not the other caretakers hand who was a male due to her religion. I was surprised and I asked. I was intrigued that she as a woman did not shake his hand. I spent many late night eating dinner with her talking about religion. I went to her apartment almost every day. Due to immigration they had to leave the country and it was a sad goodbye. I spent months after reading and reflecting on my religious aspect of life. I remember the day I decided not to be a Christian anymore, it is clear in my mind exactly how I felt and where I was.

I was sitting on my bed in the hot sun. The sun was shining through the window I realised I could no longer be a Christian, I was at that moment scared, worried and felt alone. All I could think about was if I became a Muslim I could potentially lose all my friends and family. I kept jolting from one thought to the next on what it would be like to be a Muslim. I knew I couldn't hide it because Islam told me to wear hijab. Then it became clear that I truly believed in the Islamic faith and that I would just have to do it because I couldn't go on my life any other way, and in some way in my heart I already felt as though I was. So in obidence to the rules I put my hijab and for the first time walked out of the house wearing my it. I remember going onto the city bus and worried how others would take it. To my surprise in 21 years of my life I had never been treated with respect always just an object. The bus driver was a male who I had seen many times before. That day when I got off he said “maam” I was so shocked by the respect he gave and because I was in shock I only remember that word he use“maam”.

Several weeks went by and my parents were coming to visit I was so scared and so new into Islam. I had no idea how to face this and if we had to go out I'd have to get dressed so I wore hijab the whole time. I had it on when they came in and I felt so nervous. We talked for awhile but they were not ok with my decision. They soon left my apartment and I felt relieved that they had known now.

Soon after I had my second child soon thereafter I became a Shia. A Shia brother had recommend "then I was guided" it was another turning point in my life as I had been making my way into the Sunni community and had sister whom I became very close too. I knew the choice was unevitable as I was seeking truth even if that left me alone. I was still very much alone I felt upset at everything. My life seemed daunting due to my living arrangements and un stabble relationship. My marriage was worse than it was before. We had a lot of problems in our marriage and before it. I never felt happy I was depressed and angry. We tried many times. I seperated with him a couple times after my third child and then on the third time of us separating homes we separated for good, ending in a divorce that was after along wait in getting my Islamic divorce. I felt free I felt a weight was taken off me. Even though community was saying not to and encouraging me otherwise I couldn't do it anymore. I won't go into great detail about this part of my life as it isn't the purpose of my writing per say. I'll end this huge transition of my life to say I did what I truly felt was my only option and I would never take it back, they say it is disliked by Allah but I truly believe in my situation it had become wajib. I want to mention here that I don't encourage other to get divorced but my situation it called for it. I encourage those going through rough marriage is to exhaust all means and trying to mend it seeking out counseling I tried to get as much help in order to fix it but with all that and more mine failed. I did feel the shift in feeling ok in the community (converts know what Im talking about) to feel outcasted and more alone in that aspect. However this brings me to the next journey in my life, the roller coaster to happiness.